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Trials & Tribulations - The drama of running a business and of life. It's not as easy as it looks. Running a business is full of drama. Customers, employees, money, family, time. You name it, it's a problem. Share with us your drama and how you handled it.

Your all I got?

Trials & Tribulations - The drama of running a business and of life.

It's not as easy as it looks. Running a business is full of drama. Customers, employees, money, family, time. You name it, it's a problem. Share with us your drama and how you handled it.
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Old 03-11-2010, 05:59 AM
CHEESE2009 CHEESE2009 is offline
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Default Your all I got?

I have written over 20 pages of what I wanted to explain to everyone on the forum, I have been writing since 6pm March 10, 2010, itís now 7:00am March 11, 2010.

I have deleted everything over & over again because I cannot explain my motive to the point any of you will understand. I have no one to help me but myself, but I need you all to know that I am not in control of my thoughts. I AM NOT IN CONTROL OF MY THOUGHTS.

I want to live, but something in me is not allowing me to accept the good things in my life, it wants me to get rid of them as soon as I see signs of hope. This thing makes me believe I have been living a lie my entire life. I was in denial about this for awhile, but this thing has been right all along, itís power over me has convinced me that I need to leave while I still have my happy memories & thoughts about my future.

My reality will never be as good as what I have imagined, it wont be allowed to happen anyway. I want to leave with what I can, because this thing is going to take it all away the longer I wait around.

I do not know what I want from you guys. I have all the stories, but I donít have the strength to explain it. My mind, this ďthingĒ, doesnít want me to explain it. It prefers things to be a puzzle, because that is all itís comfortable with, puzzles, dissociation, loss, everything negative, the unknown, etc.

I want to live, but my mind is making me not want to live. Itís always giving me unfair challenges, & I cannot cope with it anymore. I have to let it win, but I know what happens if I do.

These are the only suicide attempts Iím willing to share as of now, I would never purposely do anything to cause someone else harm. This list is not in any special order.

Starvation & excessive activity (70+ days, -25lbs / coffee, carrots)

Sleep deprivation (7 months)

Physical fights (8 times)

Knife stabbings (2 times)

Drowning (1 time)

Poisonous fumes (2 times)

Sleeping outside during a blizzard (2 times)

Disturbing a bees nests (deadly allergic reaction) (1 time)

Walk in front of traffic (5 times)

OD Morphine, Cocaine, Crystal meth, & hash (1 times)

OD Alcohol & Crystal meth (1 time)

Alcohol (4 times)

OD Alcohol & Cocaine (2 time)

I now have a psychiatrist & 20 sessions to prove I am all there, or they will lock me up.

I have three choices.

1)This psychiatrist can help me, I can be just like everyone else.
2)I wont get better, & I will be locked up.
3)I kill myself.

I like the first one. What are my chances? Hope is what got me into this mess.

Just so everyone knows, IĎm not into drugs. I just manage to get a hold of them during these times.

I got myself In an interesting situation, & I donít think Iím going to make it out of this one.

I have no advice to ask, I donít know how anyone can help me.

Iím going to bed. No damn clue what I am doing right now. Iím not sure about posting this, but Iím sure I have nothing to lose.

Thank you all.

I guess if I had any advice, it would be to choose the better side of yourself before both sides blend together, & you forget who the hell you are. I hope no one has to make this choice. Itís not just a saying, or an expression. I really hope that there isnít two people inside of you. One of them is you, the other is forceful, deceitful, stubborn, & reckless and will do anything in order to keep you down.

Ill keep you all posted on what the psychiatrist says.

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Old 03-11-2010, 11:29 AM
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You are a very smart guy. If you were to read this after a good night's sleep, what kind of advice would you offer to the poster if it was someone else posting it?

What next steps would you suggest they take?

How could they start feeling better today?
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Old 03-11-2010, 11:50 AM
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Hope Im not to forward with this but sounds like you need a little God in your life to center yourself/help you feel the happier side of things. When was the last time you did service for someone you dont do business with. Anyways ill keep my mouth shut on whar ever else I want to say.
Mountain View Greenskeeper proudly offering yard care in the East Valley of Arizona.
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Old 03-11-2010, 02:32 PM
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Default Scott

All my best wishes are with you. I agree, it sounds like you need the stability that only Christ can bring. The Bible tells us that when we accept Christ we become a new creature, Behold old things are passed away, all things are become new. If you want to know more let me know and I will tell you more.

Good luck and let us know!
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Old 03-11-2010, 04:03 PM
CHEESE2009 CHEESE2009 is offline
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My mind is always thinking. I work out scenarios in my head before the person Iím talking to finishes their sentence. Sometimes I feel like Iíve had the same conversations over & over again due to my past experiences, & Iím able to speak off of them without a conscience. Thatís basically it, & it doesnít make me feel human.

I often feel like Iím telling people what they want to hear, & Iím not sure what I really want to be saying, or if I am actually being myself all along? It doesnít feel right. I feel like I can answer every question out there, but now Iím overwhelmed with, ďknowing it allĒ, sometimes I wish I didnít know anything. When I say I am overwhelmed with, ďknowing it allĒ, basically there is no wrong answer to any question as long as the motive of my answer suitís the persons best interest. It frustrates me, sometimes I do the wrong thing on purpose or pretend I donít know something, just so I can feel support. Thatís why I feel upset, I feel as if no one is able to give me support because I am not made to take advice, I feel as if I know all of the answers that I donít need anybody. I dissociate myself from people because of this, & when Iím with a friend Iíll drink just so I can feel hopeless & they can make an attempt at giving me a word of advice. It always ends up being a great time, though when Iím sober I realize Iím constantly living a lie.

I donít feel stubborn, I just never had any negative outcome to any of my answers. Well some answers have been negative, but I they were never wrong. My answers have all made sense to me, there is no reason for me to ever feel the need to take someone's advice. I donít like the answers I have most of the time, but I canít disprove them.

I feel so eager to be wrong, & Iím not talking about math equations or anything like that, just general common sense, I suppose. Itís like I have formed an addiction to searching for someone to give me a new outlook on life, though if the chance happens - I will fight it. I will become stubborn at that point & I debate his/her logic. I will never give up on proving my point (the painful truth), especially if itís never failed me before. I will exhaust the debate until I am victorious, I will go to great lengths just to shadow over someone's opinion, especially if they are trying to answer any of my questions.

Am I living a lie because the benefits are easier to obtain? What could it be? I know everyone plans out their actions give or take, but where do you draw the line? When do you change from being ďyouĒ to becoming an ďactorĒ.

If people arenít like me, it could be worse. I still have no ability to trust them because they are different & further from understanding me.

I canít trust people if they are different from me, & I canít trust them if they are the same as me.

If I lose a friend or a loved one after giving them my heart & they hurt me, I donít let go. I take the punishment & consistently question why they hurt me, but I never get an answer. They eventually disappear off the face of the earth, & I am left alone always wondering what is wrong with me. Everyone stays around until I give them my heart, & I donít want to live believing that is how I need to be forever, but I cannot help it.

If I give it my all to trust somebody, I always get hurt. I become addicted to forcing them to do their best to unhurt me, & itís never in their best interest. I donít stop, because I am afraid of the truth, or I believe they are wrong. If I canít fix the current problem, It will just be another example of why I shouldnít trust people. Thatís what makes me feel as if people are different. I feel as if my reasons for them to not hurt me are so easy to understand, but they just donít comprehend. I burn myself out to the point of never wanting to wake up from my sleep.

I donít believe in suicide, but I donít believe in living either. I am not religious, & in my mind I believe god is all a lie. If everyone didnít believe in god, the world would be in chaos & several people would be killing themselves.

We all need a reason to stay alive, a distraction from the truth that we can really believe in. Though I need to see something in order to believe in it.

If there is a god or not, I sometimes feel like Iím on this earth for a purpose. My purpose is to be taken advantage of, just so I can forgive those who have hurt me, & hope they learn something from it & better themselves. I just wish I could finally get something in return, everyone is greedy & ungrateful & they never come back to me.

If god was real, I wouldnít like him. I would tell him every day that,Ē just like every other mind around me, you arenít fit to be my godď. Who says he is making the right decisions? Why should I trust him when he could be more lonely then I am, & if he was real heís pretty darn self destructive & itís been rubbing off on all his ďcreationsĒ.

Anyway, I donít believe in god. Though when I am upset, itís when I give him a piece of my mind. Itís nice imagining that there is someone to blame for everything. When I was younger & it rained outside, I felt better knowing I could talk badly about the weatherman, though the weatherman isnít in control of the weather at all, just like god isnít in control of anything. There is no one to blame, or to beg who knows everything about me. There is no one who has lived my life, who has all the answers, no one is in my brain with me.

I do feel awful because people in this world are actually there for me, but their help is useless because I donít believe they help me more than I can help myself. I canít take & appreciate advice or support from people who arenít me, they donít know any better. I feel like I am alone in this world, & itís a gap that just canít be filled up.

If I were to clone & befriend myself, I would be happy for less than a second. Once the other me starts thinking his own thoughts, I would lose trust in him & believe he would never be able to relate to me. I would feel heartbroken knowing he was just like me, but only for such a short period of time.

I wish every day that if this is intelligence, I want to dumb myself down. If this is me being dumb, I wish to be more intelligent. Though I do not like knowing everything, the more you know, the less the people around you can relate to. I have nothing to keep myself distracted, I have lived it all in my mind.

Maybe there is a god, maybe there is an answer for me. It would be nice to know I am not alone in my mind, & someone can understand why I do the things I do. If god knows, I'd love for him to put himself into someone else here on earth, just so I have somebody.

Here is a scenario, maybe it will help you understand.

You are at a restaurant, & the waitress comes to your table with a big smile & she asks you how you are doing.

All you think is, this girl doesn't know me. You can smile back & tell her you are doing fantastic, or you can tell her the scattered truth & that will make her walk away from your life.

You could have kept her if you just lied, & said you were doing fantastic. Now that she knows the truth, she doesn't want any part of it, & you don't want her to be any part of the truth either, you can barely understand it how could she? You need someone to understand it in order to be happy, it's impossible.

You wish you could have lied & kept her around, but it would be a LIE.

Both ways make me very unhappy. I feel this way with everyone.

I don't get involved with people, because I don't want to live a lie.

Sometimes I can have fun, enjoy the company of a person. When we part, I just remember how everything I just shared was off a script, written by my mind. Nothing was real. I don't allow myself to see that person again.

[53] more days until lawn service, it's the best distraction I have.
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Old 03-11-2010, 04:19 PM
CHEESE2009 CHEESE2009 is offline
Dr. Scott - Ruler of the Underworld
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Originally Posted by Steve View Post

You are a very smart guy. If you were to read this after a good night's sleep, what kind of advice would you offer to the poster if it was someone else posting it?

What next steps would you suggest they take?

How could they start feeling better today?

You have a family who loves you, & they would be devastated if you were to die on them.

You created a business with your bare hands, it has been a bumpy ride but look how much you've accomplished.

You are still young, there are plenty of years ahead to make something of yourself, you do not need to find yourself.

There is a chance you will meet someone created just for you, there is no guarantee but you must have hope. Without hope you will become a monster.

You know things not everyone can relate to, don't give up on them. If you can make them happy, isn't that good enough? A lie or truth, if you are only making things better for everyone else, shouldn't that be worth living for?

You might occasionally ask yourself, "what about me?", all you can do is hope & never give up on searching. You have created the perfect external life, & in time you will gain a new understanding that will make everything alright in your mind. You have learned about all the good, you have learned about all the bad.

Falling down is the easy part, picking yourself back up is what defines you. Get back up & give good a chance, if you fall down, get back up. When you are exhausted, get the hell back up.

You must never give up on hope.


If only I could see it that way.
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Old 03-11-2010, 08:34 PM
XtreemGreen XtreemGreen is offline
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Call me tomorrow (Friday) If you want..

727-815-2165 after 12 pm est...I can relate in some of your thoughts..

In Memory of My Dad..1943-2008..Gary "Snuffy" Smith
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Old 03-11-2010, 10:52 PM
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Default hmmm

I watched my step dad drink alot growing up, watched my mom not say anything just put up with it, watched my real dad walk away from 3 kids in the middle of a North Dakota winter. Didn't leave a dime for anyone for support. Now he has 2 kids of his own in a nice house. He drank smoked dope. Abusive. I wont say if I did or didn't do anything that didnt refelct my past upbringing. I sat around felt depressed about everything why this why that. Finally said either you pull your pants up and do something for yourself or sit here and become them. I have a very good life now, to me anyways. I have a beautiful little girl and a great wife. My grandpa told me who was very well off that it doesnt matter how much money you have because its never enough. You must be happy with what you have. I beleive you have to throw all the negative BS out before you grow. You must get honest with yourself. Learn to accept things as they are and what there not. Pretending isnt an option when your this old. Take a look at everything and see the problems and eliminate them one at a time. Only you know what they are nobody else has a clue. You must grow healthy. Always. God helps those who help themselves, thats my motto. You must start believing in something, we have to. And dude, I can tell you some crazy stories and if I didnt change, Things would be alot worse for me. Thats a guarantee. And i didnt want that. Were not all perfect, we all have our own insecurities about something. Either your willing to work on them or become them. It's all up to you in the end.
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Old 03-11-2010, 11:41 PM
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Life is not fair, it's just worth it.

come down here and get some SUN
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Old 03-12-2010, 12:08 AM
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MikeO said it best....

pull your pants up and do something for yourself

God helps those who help themselves

It's kinda like (tuff love).. I hate that saying, but it's the truth. tuff love is real and i've heard it my whole life. I kind of have a story like MikeO, my dad left my mom, myself, and my two brothers when i was 5.. My mom had nothing, my dad got custody of us.(for no fault of my mothers,just because i guess my mom could not support us.) she had no job, nor education. she was a stay at home mother and my dad was sole provider. Mom went to school got a pretty good job, got custody of us...Anyway I could bore everybody with my life story, but i wont. Point is evrybody has there own problems, and everybody else think their problems are worse than somebody elses, even if you know some people truly have it wrse than yourself. the reason why is because u start getting selfish and lose sight of all the great things and blessings that u have.. u let your problems consume your whole life. I'm 29 years old and i once had my girlfriend rush me to the emergency room because i was convienced that i was having a heart attact, and that was a few years ago.. i got to the hostpital and took my blood pressure and did some other test and said that i was perfectly fine. What my problem was is that i was loosing alot of money in real estate and i think i was having a nervous break down. i couldnt eat,i couldnt sleep, i had headachs every day for a year, i was depressed and had anxity attacts on the daily bases. it was a tuff time in my life. i was so consumed with my current problems plus all the daily drama of growing up in a disfuctional seperated family,(wich those problems truly never end, at least in my case) Anyway these problems consumed me and ran my life so much that i thought i was the only person in this world that is having a hard time.. i lost sight of all the blessing that have been granted to me.. when i was going through this my mom told me
( stop being a ***** and get your self together) its kinda weird to hear your mom say that, but she raised 3 boys by herself and she is a self made mentally tuff woman. everytime time i think i got it together something bad happens like getting laid of just a few weeks ago, and having a new born baby. i was making 1400 a week, and now collecting 200 a week in unemployment.thats a big difference and a completly different life style that i will have to learn how to adapt to.. not to mention that i need to find something to do for money real fast, which is how i found this forume, it never ends.. but going through what i have been through, it has taught me to see things differently. I mean my problems arent half has bad as most, and i think everybody can say that. there is always somebody that has it worse than u, just like there will always be somebody bigger,bader, richer, and poorer than u. I'm no bible pusher,i am a christian, but i'm no saint by any means... truly god is the answer, i dont care what u beleave right now, and i'm not going to be bold enough to say im right and your wrong.. I know what i think and beleave in.. but im not going to condiem anybody, thats not my job,its somebody elses. all i can say is just try to start seeing the good things that u have,dont ignore the bad things,because if u do that u wont ever fix them, but u cant fix them unless u know that there are good things in your life. that might not make any sense but thats the best way i know how to say it.. U cant blame god for all the bad things in your life, or for that matter all the bad things that are going on in the world today. he gave us freedom of joice, and we all should be thankful for that. even though bad things happen we have the choice and the ability to change them, we have the ability to make a difference, to change the world, to help somebody else change their world.. It's truly amazing the power that we have, we just have to know how to use it in a possitive way.. good luck breeze.. if nothing else wake up in the morning telling yourself its a new day, its a new me.. and pull your pants up and change your life.. And u might want to try to give god a chance, start reading a little bit of the bible, or even start going to church... if u did u will find out that other people have similar problems that u have, and u will learn how they cope with them and u probably will make some truly good friends that truly care about your well being. Think of it like this, if u think that your at a dead end and that u have exousted all other attemps to make your life better, then u dont have anything to lose, so go for it and get into god, so he can get into u... peace out i'm preying for u...
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