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The glasses & cups I use are all different sizes, I often drink out of a small pitcher.
So I fill my pitcher up with ice water & go sit down to relax. After watching a bit of a movie I forgot I had a drink with me, & went to get another one.
I fill it with water & return to my seat. I take a sip, put it down. A few minutes pass & I go to grab the previous cup of water. As I stare into the tv, I basically tossed the water into my face causing me to nearly drown.
It was also ice water, packed with ice, I can't get enough ice!
I was soaked, & freezing. My air condition was on & blasting right above me.
I take off my clothes & decide to have a hot shower.
I check the tempature, it's PERFECT. I hop in.
ONE SECOND PASSES & I swear a snowman just jump kicked me in the face, the water shot out & it was cold as ice!
I go to turn the nob to see what's up & then the shower head falls on me for no good reason! So I'm there holding the shower head trying to fix it while I'm freezing to death.
I manage to get it snapped back where it's supposed to be, & I hit the nob to turn the shower off....
IT FELL OFF!!
So now I'm trying to put the nob back on, I decide to let the shower win the battle, & jump out!
I jump out & the shower head falls back out & lands outside of the tub, spraying me & the entire room.
I toss it in the tub & close the shower curtain of death & realize I don't have any towels around to dry off, they are all in the wash...
I attempt to open the washer, which was on the spin cycle. I thought it was a good idea, but nope! Just slapped a soaking wet towel on myself!
I go to the room & think about jumping in my bed with the covers, but then It'd all get soaked...
Put on my boxers, grab my boots & get outside!
- I now know how to use the shower, apparently all this time I have been trying to turn it the wrong way accidentally, & it then gave up and broke.
The shower head is expendable, so it's like a hose with a head. Good for nothing....
A world famous orchestral conductor was recently scheduled to perform at a local venue. During rehersal 2 weeks before the performance the first seat trumpet fell ill and could not continue. Due to the important trumpet solo no other performer could be found to fill his seat.
One of the violinists came to the distressed conductor and suggested a replacement.
"I know a local jazz trumpeter that surely could fill the job," said the violinist.
"No, no, no! I will not have a dirty, smelly, sloppy-playing jazz man perform in my orchestra!!!" said the conductor.
"But, sir, there is no other."
"I do not believe an undisciplined jazz player can hold his own with our strict style, but I have no choice. Call him in for tomorrows rehersal. We will audition him. Make sure he is promt, if that is possible for him."
The next day, 3 seconds before rehersal was to begin, in runs the jazz man. His trumpet was unpolished, and wrapped in the daily news and judging by his clothes he could by no means afford a case for the instrument. The conductor hands him the score and the jazz man nonchalantly scans it, folds it, and puts it in his back pocket.
"Aren't you going to play with us today?" asked the annoyed conductor.
"Sure, man. I am wit' ya." came the reply.
"Are you going to follow the score?"
"Oh, yeah, man. I got it?" said the Jazz man.
"I can't believe what I am getting myself into." said the conductor under his breath.
"Mellow out, man. Hit it!" ordered the jazz man.
"Indeed!" grunted the conductor.
While waiting for his part the jazz man closed his eyes and simply snapped his fingers, causing the conductor to stop the music and ask, "Sir, are you paying attention? How will you follow my conducting with your eyes closed?"
"I'm cool, man. I caught your groove!"
"Alright then, let's start from your solo." the conductor said intending to end this farce and embarass the jazz man.
"Right on!" was his reply.
The jazz trumpeter played flawlessly. He was on tempo, in pitch, and his playing oozed with emotion. Needless to say the conductor was amazed, but he was still sure the jazz man would somehow prove himself unreliable.
In the next week the jazz man was on time to every rehersal, played perfectly and even agreed to stop snapping his fingers during the performance. He cut his hair, trimmed his goatee, polished his trumpet, and dressed properly for the dress rehersal the day before the performance was to happen.
After the dress rehersal the conductor went to the jazz man and shook his hand and said, "Sir, I must apologize for prejudjing you. I thought jazz men were unreliable, undisciplined, dirty, smelly and sloppy musicians, but you have proved me wrong. You are one of the best musicians I have ever worked with and you have proved yourself reliable by being on time and knowing your parts. I am quite impressed!"
The jazz man replied, "Wow, thanks, man! I mean, it's the least I can do...seeing that I can't make it to the gig."
My best employee, Bill, Had never been late, had never complained, never refused overtime. If you looked up "perfect employee" in the dictionary, you would see a picture of Bill.
Monday, at 7am Bill hadn't showed up without a call. Never happened before. He would call if there was a chance he would be late. 8am, still no bill or a call from him. I decided to call and see if anything was wrong.
A small voice answered the phone in a whisper. "Hello"
I said, "hello, is your father home"?
"Yes" came the whispered response.
"Could I talk to him", I asked.
"No, he's busy talking to the Police" was the whispered response.
"Could I talk to your Mother", I asked?
Again in a whisper, "No she is busy with the firemen".
I wanted to talk to an adult to see if there was anything I could do, so "I asked if he would put one of the police of firemen on the Phone"?
"No" came his whispered response. "Their all busy getting ready for search and rescue"!
Search and rescue, Who's missing"?
After a short pause, "me" he whispered and then hung up.