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  • Your all I got?

    I have written over 20 pages of what I wanted to explain to everyone on the forum, I have been writing since 6pm March 10, 2010, itís now 7:00am March 11, 2010.

    I have deleted everything over & over again because I cannot explain my motive to the point any of you will understand. I have no one to help me but myself, but I need you all to know that I am not in control of my thoughts. I AM NOT IN CONTROL OF MY THOUGHTS.

    I want to live, but something in me is not allowing me to accept the good things in my life, it wants me to get rid of them as soon as I see signs of hope. This thing makes me believe I have been living a lie my entire life. I was in denial about this for awhile, but this thing has been right all along, itís power over me has convinced me that I need to leave while I still have my happy memories & thoughts about my future.

    My reality will never be as good as what I have imagined, it wont be allowed to happen anyway. I want to leave with what I can, because this thing is going to take it all away the longer I wait around.

    I do not know what I want from you guys. I have all the stories, but I donít have the strength to explain it. My mind, this ďthingĒ, doesnít want me to explain it. It prefers things to be a puzzle, because that is all itís comfortable with, puzzles, dissociation, loss, everything negative, the unknown, etc.

    I want to live, but my mind is making me not want to live. Itís always giving me unfair challenges, & I cannot cope with it anymore. I have to let it win, but I know what happens if I do.

    These are the only suicide attempts Iím willing to share as of now, I would never purposely do anything to cause someone else harm. This list is not in any special order.

    Starvation & excessive activity (70+ days, -25lbs / coffee, carrots)

    Sleep deprivation (7 months)

    Physical fights (8 times)

    Knife stabbings (2 times)

    Drowning (1 time)

    Poisonous fumes (2 times)

    Sleeping outside during a blizzard (2 times)

    Disturbing a bees nests (deadly allergic reaction) (1 time)

    Walk in front of traffic (5 times)

    OD Morphine, Cocaine, Crystal meth, & hash (1 times)

    OD Alcohol & Crystal meth (1 time)

    Alcohol (4 times)

    OD Alcohol & Cocaine (2 time)

    I now have a psychiatrist & 20 sessions to prove I am all there, or they will lock me up.

    I have three choices.

    1)This psychiatrist can help me, I can be just like everyone else.
    2)I wont get better, & I will be locked up.
    3)I kill myself.

    I like the first one. What are my chances? Hope is what got me into this mess.

    Just so everyone knows, IĎm not into drugs. I just manage to get a hold of them during these times.

    I got myself In an interesting situation, & I donít think Iím going to make it out of this one.

    I have no advice to ask, I donít know how anyone can help me.

    Iím going to bed. No damn clue what I am doing right now. Iím not sure about posting this, but Iím sure I have nothing to lose.

    Thank you all.

    I guess if I had any advice, it would be to choose the better side of yourself before both sides blend together, & you forget who the hell you are. I hope no one has to make this choice. Itís not just a saying, or an expression. I really hope that there isnít two people inside of you. One of them is you, the other is forceful, deceitful, stubborn, & reckless and will do anything in order to keep you down.

    Ill keep you all posted on what the psychiatrist says.

  • #2

    You are a very smart guy. If you were to read this after a good night's sleep, what kind of advice would you offer to the poster if it was someone else posting it?

    What next steps would you suggest they take?

    How could they start feeling better today?
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    • #3
      Hope Im not to forward with this but sounds like you need a little God in your life to center yourself/help you feel the happier side of things. When was the last time you did service for someone you dont do business with. Anyways ill keep my mouth shut on whar ever else I want to say.
      Mountain View Greenskeeper proudly offering yard care in the East Valley of Arizona.


      • #4

        All my best wishes are with you. I agree, it sounds like you need the stability that only Christ can bring. The Bible tells us that when we accept Christ we become a new creature, Behold old things are passed away, all things are become new. If you want to know more let me know and I will tell you more.

        Good luck and let us know!


        • #5
          My mind is always thinking. I work out scenarios in my head before the person Iím talking to finishes their sentence. Sometimes I feel like Iíve had the same conversations over & over again due to my past experiences, & Iím able to speak off of them without a conscience. Thatís basically it, & it doesnít make me feel human.

          I often feel like Iím telling people what they want to hear, & Iím not sure what I really want to be saying, or if I am actually being myself all along? It doesnít feel right. I feel like I can answer every question out there, but now Iím overwhelmed with, ďknowing it allĒ, sometimes I wish I didnít know anything. When I say I am overwhelmed with, ďknowing it allĒ, basically there is no wrong answer to any question as long as the motive of my answer suitís the persons best interest. It frustrates me, sometimes I do the wrong thing on purpose or pretend I donít know something, just so I can feel support. Thatís why I feel upset, I feel as if no one is able to give me support because I am not made to take advice, I feel as if I know all of the answers that I donít need anybody. I dissociate myself from people because of this, & when Iím with a friend Iíll drink just so I can feel hopeless & they can make an attempt at giving me a word of advice. It always ends up being a great time, though when Iím sober I realize Iím constantly living a lie.

          I donít feel stubborn, I just never had any negative outcome to any of my answers. Well some answers have been negative, but I they were never wrong. My answers have all made sense to me, there is no reason for me to ever feel the need to take someone's advice. I donít like the answers I have most of the time, but I canít disprove them.

          I feel so eager to be wrong, & Iím not talking about math equations or anything like that, just general common sense, I suppose. Itís like I have formed an addiction to searching for someone to give me a new outlook on life, though if the chance happens - I will fight it. I will become stubborn at that point & I debate his/her logic. I will never give up on proving my point (the painful truth), especially if itís never failed me before. I will exhaust the debate until I am victorious, I will go to great lengths just to shadow over someone's opinion, especially if they are trying to answer any of my questions.

          Am I living a lie because the benefits are easier to obtain? What could it be? I know everyone plans out their actions give or take, but where do you draw the line? When do you change from being ďyouĒ to becoming an ďactorĒ.

          If people arenít like me, it could be worse. I still have no ability to trust them because they are different & further from understanding me.

          I canít trust people if they are different from me, & I canít trust them if they are the same as me.

          If I lose a friend or a loved one after giving them my heart & they hurt me, I donít let go. I take the punishment & consistently question why they hurt me, but I never get an answer. They eventually disappear off the face of the earth, & I am left alone always wondering what is wrong with me. Everyone stays around until I give them my heart, & I donít want to live believing that is how I need to be forever, but I cannot help it.

          If I give it my all to trust somebody, I always get hurt. I become addicted to forcing them to do their best to unhurt me, & itís never in their best interest. I donít stop, because I am afraid of the truth, or I believe they are wrong. If I canít fix the current problem, It will just be another example of why I shouldnít trust people. Thatís what makes me feel as if people are different. I feel as if my reasons for them to not hurt me are so easy to understand, but they just donít comprehend. I burn myself out to the point of never wanting to wake up from my sleep.

          I donít believe in suicide, but I donít believe in living either. I am not religious, & in my mind I believe god is all a lie. If everyone didnít believe in god, the world would be in chaos & several people would be killing themselves.

          We all need a reason to stay alive, a distraction from the truth that we can really believe in. Though I need to see something in order to believe in it.

          If there is a god or not, I sometimes feel like Iím on this earth for a purpose. My purpose is to be taken advantage of, just so I can forgive those who have hurt me, & hope they learn something from it & better themselves. I just wish I could finally get something in return, everyone is greedy & ungrateful & they never come back to me.

          If god was real, I wouldnít like him. I would tell him every day that,Ē just like every other mind around me, you arenít fit to be my godď. Who says he is making the right decisions? Why should I trust him when he could be more lonely then I am, & if he was real heís pretty darn self destructive & itís been rubbing off on all his ďcreationsĒ.

          Anyway, I donít believe in god. Though when I am upset, itís when I give him a piece of my mind. Itís nice imagining that there is someone to blame for everything. When I was younger & it rained outside, I felt better knowing I could talk badly about the weatherman, though the weatherman isnít in control of the weather at all, just like god isnít in control of anything. There is no one to blame, or to beg who knows everything about me. There is no one who has lived my life, who has all the answers, no one is in my brain with me.

          I do feel awful because people in this world are actually there for me, but their help is useless because I donít believe they help me more than I can help myself. I canít take & appreciate advice or support from people who arenít me, they donít know any better. I feel like I am alone in this world, & itís a gap that just canít be filled up.

          If I were to clone & befriend myself, I would be happy for less than a second. Once the other me starts thinking his own thoughts, I would lose trust in him & believe he would never be able to relate to me. I would feel heartbroken knowing he was just like me, but only for such a short period of time.

          I wish every day that if this is intelligence, I want to dumb myself down. If this is me being dumb, I wish to be more intelligent. Though I do not like knowing everything, the more you know, the less the people around you can relate to. I have nothing to keep myself distracted, I have lived it all in my mind.

          Maybe there is a god, maybe there is an answer for me. It would be nice to know I am not alone in my mind, & someone can understand why I do the things I do. If god knows, I'd love for him to put himself into someone else here on earth, just so I have somebody.

          Here is a scenario, maybe it will help you understand.

          You are at a restaurant, & the waitress comes to your table with a big smile & she asks you how you are doing.

          All you think is, this girl doesn't know me. You can smile back & tell her you are doing fantastic, or you can tell her the scattered truth & that will make her walk away from your life.

          You could have kept her if you just lied, & said you were doing fantastic. Now that she knows the truth, she doesn't want any part of it, & you don't want her to be any part of the truth either, you can barely understand it how could she? You need someone to understand it in order to be happy, it's impossible.

          You wish you could have lied & kept her around, but it would be a LIE.

          Both ways make me very unhappy. I feel this way with everyone.

          I don't get involved with people, because I don't want to live a lie.

          Sometimes I can have fun, enjoy the company of a person. When we part, I just remember how everything I just shared was off a script, written by my mind. Nothing was real. I don't allow myself to see that person again.

          [53] more days until lawn service, it's the best distraction I have.


          • #6

            You are a very smart guy. If you were to read this after a good night's sleep, what kind of advice would you offer to the poster if it was someone else posting it?

            What next steps would you suggest they take?

            How could they start feeling better today?

            You have a family who loves you, & they would be devastated if you were to die on them.

            You created a business with your bare hands, it has been a bumpy ride but look how much you've accomplished.

            You are still young, there are plenty of years ahead to make something of yourself, you do not need to find yourself.

            There is a chance you will meet someone created just for you, there is no guarantee but you must have hope. Without hope you will become a monster.

            You know things not everyone can relate to, don't give up on them. If you can make them happy, isn't that good enough? A lie or truth, if you are only making things better for everyone else, shouldn't that be worth living for?

            You might occasionally ask yourself, "what about me?", all you can do is hope & never give up on searching. You have created the perfect external life, & in time you will gain a new understanding that will make everything alright in your mind. You have learned about all the good, you have learned about all the bad.

            Falling down is the easy part, picking yourself back up is what defines you. Get back up & give good a chance, if you fall down, get back up. When you are exhausted, get the hell back up.

            You must never give up on hope.


            If only I could see it that way.


            • #7
              Call me tomorrow (Friday) If you want..

              727-815-2165 after 12 pm est...I can relate in some of your thoughts..

              In Memory of My Dad..1943-2008..Gary "Snuffy" Smith


              • #8

                I watched my step dad drink alot growing up, watched my mom not say anything just put up with it, watched my real dad walk away from 3 kids in the middle of a North Dakota winter. Didn't leave a dime for anyone for support. Now he has 2 kids of his own in a nice house. He drank smoked dope. Abusive. I wont say if I did or didn't do anything that didnt refelct my past upbringing. I sat around felt depressed about everything why this why that. Finally said either you pull your pants up and do something for yourself or sit here and become them. I have a very good life now, to me anyways. I have a beautiful little girl and a great wife. My grandpa told me who was very well off that it doesnt matter how much money you have because its never enough. You must be happy with what you have. I beleive you have to throw all the negative BS out before you grow. You must get honest with yourself. Learn to accept things as they are and what there not. Pretending isnt an option when your this old. Take a look at everything and see the problems and eliminate them one at a time. Only you know what they are nobody else has a clue. You must grow healthy. Always. God helps those who help themselves, thats my motto. You must start believing in something, we have to. And dude, I can tell you some crazy stories and if I didnt change, Things would be alot worse for me. Thats a guarantee. And i didnt want that. Were not all perfect, we all have our own insecurities about something. Either your willing to work on them or become them. It's all up to you in the end.


                • #9
                  Life is not fair, it's just worth it.

                  come down here and get some SUN


                  • #10
                    MikeO said it best....

                    pull your pants up and do something for yourself

                    God helps those who help themselves

                    It's kinda like (tuff love).. I hate that saying, but it's the truth. tuff love is real and i've heard it my whole life. I kind of have a story like MikeO, my dad left my mom, myself, and my two brothers when i was 5.. My mom had nothing, my dad got custody of us.(for no fault of my mothers,just because i guess my mom could not support us.) she had no job, nor education. she was a stay at home mother and my dad was sole provider. Mom went to school got a pretty good job, got custody of us...Anyway I could bore everybody with my life story, but i wont. Point is evrybody has there own problems, and everybody else think their problems are worse than somebody elses, even if you know some people truly have it wrse than yourself. the reason why is because u start getting selfish and lose sight of all the great things and blessings that u have.. u let your problems consume your whole life. I'm 29 years old and i once had my girlfriend rush me to the emergency room because i was convienced that i was having a heart attact, and that was a few years ago.. i got to the hostpital and took my blood pressure and did some other test and said that i was perfectly fine. What my problem was is that i was loosing alot of money in real estate and i think i was having a nervous break down. i couldnt eat,i couldnt sleep, i had headachs every day for a year, i was depressed and had anxity attacts on the daily bases. it was a tuff time in my life. i was so consumed with my current problems plus all the daily drama of growing up in a disfuctional seperated family,(wich those problems truly never end, at least in my case) Anyway these problems consumed me and ran my life so much that i thought i was the only person in this world that is having a hard time.. i lost sight of all the blessing that have been granted to me.. when i was going through this my mom told me
                    ( stop being a ***** and get your self together) its kinda weird to hear your mom say that, but she raised 3 boys by herself and she is a self made mentally tuff woman. everytime time i think i got it together something bad happens like getting laid of just a few weeks ago, and having a new born baby. i was making 1400 a week, and now collecting 200 a week in unemployment.thats a big difference and a completly different life style that i will have to learn how to adapt to.. not to mention that i need to find something to do for money real fast, which is how i found this forume, it never ends.. but going through what i have been through, it has taught me to see things differently. I mean my problems arent half has bad as most, and i think everybody can say that. there is always somebody that has it worse than u, just like there will always be somebody bigger,bader, richer, and poorer than u. I'm no bible pusher,i am a christian, but i'm no saint by any means... truly god is the answer, i dont care what u beleave right now, and i'm not going to be bold enough to say im right and your wrong.. I know what i think and beleave in.. but im not going to condiem anybody, thats not my job,its somebody elses. all i can say is just try to start seeing the good things that u have,dont ignore the bad things,because if u do that u wont ever fix them, but u cant fix them unless u know that there are good things in your life. that might not make any sense but thats the best way i know how to say it.. U cant blame god for all the bad things in your life, or for that matter all the bad things that are going on in the world today. he gave us freedom of joice, and we all should be thankful for that. even though bad things happen we have the choice and the ability to change them, we have the ability to make a difference, to change the world, to help somebody else change their world.. It's truly amazing the power that we have, we just have to know how to use it in a possitive way.. good luck breeze.. if nothing else wake up in the morning telling yourself its a new day, its a new me.. and pull your pants up and change your life.. And u might want to try to give god a chance, start reading a little bit of the bible, or even start going to church... if u did u will find out that other people have similar problems that u have, and u will learn how they cope with them and u probably will make some truly good friends that truly care about your well being. Think of it like this, if u think that your at a dead end and that u have exousted all other attemps to make your life better, then u dont have anything to lose, so go for it and get into god, so he can get into u... peace out i'm preying for u...


                    • #11
                      Life is not fair, it's just worth it.
                      I'm trying to prove you right! It's worth it if I can be cured. Though my ability to keep fighting is fading. It's just not working. Hope hope hope hope hope hope, it's all I have, & it's either there for a short while, then it's gone the next.

                      come down here and get some SUN
                      I could distract myself with that idea, but it just means my reality will come crashing down hard. The more happy I am, the more I have to lose, & I just have to lose.

                      I've been folding flyers all day, listening to happy music. (just like your advice)

                      I then came across this song on the radio, & for f' sakes I want to meet the writer.

                      If this song is about what I think it is, wow. It makes so much sense to me, but is it just me? Is it what I think it's about. This song isn't about anybody else, but this one man & his mind?!?!?! Is he fighting like I am? What's going on.

                      Read the lyrics, & try to understand the way I see it. Forget about the sappy part, it's just the lyrics & what I think it means.

                      <object width="480" height="385"><param name="movie" value=" lor2=0x54abd6"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src=" lor2=0x54abd6" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="480" height="385"></embed></object>

                      For the record, people all have different reasons for cutting themselves.

                      I do it because it gives me a rush, & within that time I am able to accomplish anything, my own death. Cutting is not the way I'm going out of this world. It's free adrenaline, & it makes me feel happy, I can't stop laughing as I do it. It must release some sort of chemical in my body that is just comforting.

                      I thought if I get my adrenaline fix & my alcohol fix, I can let myself die. Just wasn't enough!

                      It feels different being stuck at a hospital for 14 hours with every damn machine hooked into your body. I felt like a took one step backwards, & I am now a prisoner of both worlds.

                      How the heck am I going to convince this psychiatrist to let me free if he can't help me. 20 sessions, man... I need 22 years, & stock of pens & paper.

                      But I would rather disappear than to try to recollect all that has happened in my life, that's way to overwhelming.

                      Imagine you knew this one person your entire life. You & this person have done EVERYTHING, a heck of a lot more than the average person.

                      This friend of yours is now gone, & all you want is to find someone who can know all you've been through, every detail & moment. Your stuck knowing everything, & everyone new has no idea. You can't let them in because you have to relive it with them. Now it's too much to relive, & you don't remember, you can't help yourself now.

                      My "friend" was myself! I left myself. Does this all make sense?


                      • #12
                        Hey buddy some of your questions cant be answered, i mean they can be but not by any of us.. but by a higher power that might sound stupid but its true.. And listen im not trying to be harsh, im truly not, what i'm about to say is, i would say it to my brother, because i care.. i dont know u and i probably will never now you u, but i do care because your acting like there is only one way out.. and your way out shouldn't have ever been an option in the first place. u dont need some stupid psychiatrist to tell you that u have a problem, your psychiatrist probably has a psychiatrist. I'm not telling u to stop going to him, i mean what ever helps u need to do it. but this isnt like u can go pay this guy money and he fixes all your problems, hell if it was that easy nobody would have problems, and trust me everybody has problems.. why do you think people listen to music?? its because the song relates to there life, i mean we could listen to the same song and it would mean something to me totally different than what it means to you, point is we both think the song is about ourselves, and it is about ourselves because we make them that way, thats what it is for, the song is talking to u, it means something to u.. just as u make that song relate to u need to make all the good things in your life relate to u, dont listen to negative music, listen to positive music, sometimes i hear music on the radio that reminds of all the good times i had in high school not to say that some music dont remind me of bad times.. but the good out shine the bad, because i make them that way, and u need to do the same.. dont do anything bad to yourself before u start making a positive change.. drinking and drug use, and cutting yourself is not a positive change. i mean how can u expect to make your life better if those are the things ur doing?? i dont mean to sound like a dick and i truly hope u never try to really end ur life. i mean thats drastic isnt it? there are so many good things in life, listen this might be harsh but u can kill yourself anytime you want to, right? nobody can control that but u, if ur going to do it, ur going to do it, i hope and pray to god that u wont, but i cant stop u, nobody can not even your psychiatrist. but promise yourself that u wont come down to that untill u give god a chance, u owe it to yourself.. come on breeze just try it.. stop drinking,stop cutting yourself and give it a chance.. thats just not the right thing to do. i beleave that we are all here to help each other find there way, and if your not here somebody somewhere wont ever be helped, because you were supose to be there helper and your not here anymore to help them.. doesnt that mean something to u? it might be somebody that has the same kinda of problems u have, it might be the mail man, it might be some sweet old lady that you do yard work for, hell i dont know who it is.. but trust me somebody needs ur help.. thats why we are here man. believe it are not but u are somebodys life saver, but you wont be there when your needed if you dont save your own life first, and that is tragic..


                        • #13
                          No one can fight my demon, but myself.

                          I can't fight your demons, no one can - but yourself.

                          I believe we are on the same page with that.

                          How do I believe in God? I'll try my best not to disprove his existence.

                          That's my problem though. I disprove everything. ****!

                          I'd love to believe, my mind doesn't make it possible.

                          I can't just believe in the morals, I actually have to believe he is there. I need someone in my brain with me, who I can call out to when I need help.

                          This is crazy. What do I do? What if I believe in God, & then my mind disproves him later on in life. I'll feel like EVERYTHING has been lost. I'll lose my f'ing mind for guaranteed!


                          Time for another tattoo.

                          I have two tattoos with the meanings;
                          "Friendship, Love, & Loyalty" & "Hope, Faith, Love, & Luck" the words aren't there, but there is a meaning behind the designs I drew.

                          I wore a string around my arm a few years ago, to remind me to stop hurting myself for success.

                          Maybe I need a tattoo for that. It wont break like string!

                          Back to believing in God. I feel like something is there sometimes, or maybe I'm just crazy.

                          The other night before I ended up in the hospital, when if I wasn't found I would have been dead.

                          I was walking home talking to "something", I was saying how I just wanted to die,

                          "just take me now, just f'ing kill me, just f'ing kill me, just f'ing kill me now. If your real, we both know I'm not going to hell, & when we meet I will never forgive you, what you are doing to me is wrong, you abuse your power.

                          If you have plans for me, show me something now, I am not going to suffer any longer, I want to know where my happiness is, give me a taste of it, give me a reason to stay alive"

                          I never felt such a thing, it was a meaningful conversation. I felt like I was getting through to someone. Though it's not like "it/him/her" gave a damn really.

                          SO, I ended up making my way home, collapsed, ambulance, > hospital for 14 hours. Hurray.


                          • #14
                            Hope Im not to forward with this but sounds like you need a little God in your life to center yourself/help you feel the happier side of things. When was the last time you did service for someone you dont do business with. Anyways ill keep my mouth shut on whar ever else I want to say.
                            I agree with this totally, if I did not lean on God as I understand him to be and believe in a higher power that would help me through the tough times, provide for me and be with me during the good times, I would have fallen apart years ago. Life is tough and at times it can seem like everywhere we look a curve ball is being thrown, a lawyer friend gave me some words of advice years ago when I was going through a divorce that almost ruined me as I didn't see it coming, "Andy if it doesn't kill you it will only make you stronger" I cling to that on bad days and ask my higher power to get me through it, works for me.
                            Halifax, Nova Scotia


                            • #15

                              I am glad you made such a post. You can now see how everyone has issues going on in their lives. Some deal with them and move forwards, others can't get through them and never move forwards.

                              Here is my take on how to get through. Don't ever drink or take any drugs.

                              If you remove those two issues, you will be far ahead of the game. Nothing good ever comes from them and when you feel like you have an addictive personality, you certainly have to swear them off.

                              I have many stories for you on how people pissed their lives away with drugs and alcohol.

                              You are a very creative guy and there is no reason to take a darkened path. Take your creativity and make a positive step.

                              What things do you feel you can do to turn this around?

                              With all of what you are saying here, you may be saying it and feeling it, but I bet a lot of others reading this are dealing with similar issues and they would like to find a positive way out.

                              What are some positive step you feel you can take to make it better?
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