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CHEESE2009
01-01-2010, 10:44 PM
So happy new years to everyone, I spent the night drinking champagne with my friend & playing video games, it was a great time. Especially after we polished off a bottle of Jack & coke.


So on to my story....


Basically I have my real family, & then I have the family that I care for just as much as the first.

The second family though, is going through & has gone through hell.

I'm basically a really good family friend.


So I'm trying to figure out where to begin... The husband & wife are not in love, well the wife hasn't loved her husband sense he cheated on her half a life time ago. They don't share the same bed, or sleep on the same floor of the house together.

The husband is a nice man, & runs his own hardly even successful business.
This has caused him to provide less for his family, as if they were in a third world country.

The wife is from a certain background & is not really all there, an extreme lack of marbles. She is the type of person to have a deep conversation with a 10 year old & take everything the kids say as if they are experts on life situations. It's really, really odd.

Anyway, most people in town know the wife is crazy & not even close to logical.

This couple, the husband & wife have two kids. One is a teenager, while the other is probably 8-10 or something.


The family has been through therapy, because of all the violence & arguing. It's seriously a nightmare for me to sit through them arguing, as I'm always expected to get involved & hold people back from hurting each other.

The family has agreed to do their best with the family therapy, & they did not have to continue after their third year. Even though nothing necessarily changed, they kept it from the social workers & government, so the kids would not be taken away, as they live in a horrible environment.

When a family argument happens, the mothers first threat is to call the police, the social workers (which would have the kids taken away). Which only makes the problem worse.

The kids are as normal as they can be, & I wouldn't expect them to be any different then they are. Though the parents do realize & take the blame for it, they have lost control over the peace, & realize they are unfit to be parents.

Imaging growing up in a nice suburban town, & there is this one house that stands out a lot more than the rest. This is that house.

The husband received the house after his mothers death (she was the previous owner)

Windows have been broken & cardboard has replaced them for more than 10 years.

Their lawn is totally warped & a complete disaster, I offer free lawn service once per month just so they don't get a ticket from having it over grow. They have gotten tickets in the past.

I have also been on their roof to check their gutters, I went up, came right back down after I realized I could have died.

The roof is as sturdy as a tarp lying over a body of water. Seriously.

The house has painters tape outlined in all of the hallways & living room, but was never painted for several years.

The entire house is a junk storage it seems. The front yard even has a palette & busted coat racks on it, with a bunch of junk wrappers tossed around it... for years.

A stick in the ground is what they've stabled their mail box to.

Actually, the mail box is stabled to a real estate agents "for sale sign", with a stick holding it up.

Everyone has been wondering when the house will be sold, when in fact it's just what they use for their mailbox, it's horrid.

ON TO MY POINT

One of the kids & the mother do not get along at all, I never usually take a kids side against an adults, but everyone who has met this mother has wondered why she has custody of the children.

They fight physically, threaten each other, throw objects around to the point someone will actually be killed if no one steps in.

This kid is extremely frustrated, & just wants a better life. The kid really wants to get away from the family. I do not blame the kid.

I have seen the way the family tries to resolve a simple problem, by only edging the argument on & trying to get the kid to make a wrong move. Then the cops will be called, one of the many threats to show parental power :rolleyes: very pathetic.

Basically the mother is out of this world, & doesn't realize how children should be raised in a nice suburban town in Canada. The children are actually warped & the biggest problem is there is no guidance. The parents cannot help their children without it seeming like act of rudeness towards them while instead it's a simple plead for help.

The mother has threatened on a weekly base to send the older kid to a group home, that she has had enough & doesn't care anymore.

The kid has run away countless times, mostly to me for questions & a shoulder.

So the kid tells me that the parents are willing to divorce their kid & give custody to my family if they are interested.

So later on, I receive a phone call, the was kicked out of the house & I was to arrive & pick up all of the belongings & bring them & the kid back to my mothers.

From there I discuss it with my mother & do the best I can to describe the situation, for I am not legally allowed to take custody of anyone because I apparently need to be married.

My mother knew most of the problem, that it was an unhealthy family & is somewhat interested but fearful of the situation.

I talk with the kid & we have come to a decision to go back just to have a chat with the parents to clear everything up.

The kid refuses to go home, & the parents understand & are letting the kid stay at a friends house until I am able to sort things out with my mother.

They do not want to lose custody of the kid (half the time), but they are willing to do the paperwork in order for my mother to receive custody.

So while with the family, we are all sitting on different couches. The mother had the nerve to say, "What are you doing here?" and went on to say I'm the reason for all of the problems.

The husband looked at me with that, "we know my wife is crazy" look.

So after taking the blame for everything, they put me on the spot & tell me I put these thoughts in their kids mind to make it never want to return home.

So confusing. I take a step back & let everyone have their say until the mother opens her big mouth & makes a few unnecessary rude comments to her kid. Which starts a fight where I'm holding the kid back & the husband is holding the wife back.

Then I'm getting blamed for not holding the kid back against the wife, as if it's my damn child & I'm the one to blame for it's actions.

Like, "sorry I can't run your family, feel free to blame me, the only guy willing to pick up the pieces of a puzzle that can't be put back together!"

it's always been like that, I'm always the bad guy.

Then the mother says something contradicting, "We know we raised our children wrong" sure, you did, but it's fact that you could never raise a damn kid EVER. It disgusts me to see this family TRY to keep it together.

Anyway, I'm basically the middle man. I need to convince my mother that taking custody of this young adult is a big thing, but the kid shouldn't be rejected.

If I could, I would. And if I figure out how exactly my mother can do this, I would be grateful to empty my pockets to make things right.

The reason only one kid is allowed to leave, is because if the parents are upset & call social services to get back into therapy, they will take BOTH children away. So by divorcing one of their children into my mothers custody, they will avoid that section of the government.

I feel bad for the younger kid, but hopefully the parents can focus all of their attention on at least one. It's so sad to see, such a lonely kid with no friends just sitting by watching the family go down the drain.

Anyway, I just was wondering if anyone had any advice? Like I'm not a parent or anything, I don't understand what must happen for this kid to be in my mothers custody.

I really just want all of you to share your thoughts, I am out of my own. I am stuck between a rock & a hard place.

If I don't get my mother to receive custody of this kid, the kid has sworn to never go back to the parents, & if the kid does, it's off to the group home.

My mother isn't interested in talking to the parents because she will lose control of her actions. She was surprised to receive a phone call from the other mother saying, "Hi, would you sign papers to take custody of my child?"

Unbelievable.

I really need to do something, but what power do I have? How does the system work? Does the company that puts the child into my mothers custody give some sort of monthly $$$ support? Or is it a whole new chapter & a sudden risky investment?

How possible is this? The parents want the kid to be with my family, though they wont let it stay with us until the papers are signed, so the kid is currently staying at friends.

I'm so lost & I feel so awful.

I even gave the kid my extra cell phone, just so the parents are able to make contact.

I just don't know what to do... I wish I did. I loved this family, I never billed them for work, even building them a patio was just me saying I'm glad I could help.

So this has been my post, once again I have impressed myself. Who the hell else has such RANDOM stories to tell so often?

Wish me luck!

Steve
01-02-2010, 10:00 AM
That is a lot going on!

I don't know anything about how Canadian law handles this.

I guess to put it simply, it seems like we all have dysfunctional families in a way. Nothing is ever perfect, especially when we compare it to a perfect tv family or some perfect ideal of a family we have in our mind.

If things are beyond the point of being tolerable, I guess you or the kid can call the government agency for help and be taken out of there and placed somewhere else.

But then the kid won't be there with his/her family and who knows if the newer situation would be better or worse!

What's your view on all this after having some time since this post to think about it?

CHEESE2009
01-02-2010, 07:15 PM
Well I would love to see this kid succeed.

And get the kid a tutor to help with most of the tricky school work.

When I met this kid, the marks I have seen were all failing grades. The kid would skip school all of the time.

I spoke to the kid & created a great bond with the family. After a lot of time from analyzing the situation, this kid just really needed a role model, or even someone to support & appreciate.

At home, the mother is hardly ever there, usually hiding at her aunts. The husband works late purposely, even after closing hours at his shop.

Every meal at their house is the same, every night it's frozen pizza. Not even the Delissio kind, more like it came off the black market.

Most of the stuff they own is expired, they will eat food if it's been sitting on the stove for 2 days when it should have been put in the fridge.

Anyway, it COULD be worse, so I can't really complain. The kid COULD live off of this food, but honestly... There is better.

As for health, the kid broke a hand & I was the one who INSISTED on going to the hospital.

I took the kid to renew it's medicare card, & got the kid it's first bank client card, I helped deposit the kids first paycheck.

I was the first to employ the kid actually! So you can sorta get a feel for the bond.

The first day I was upset, I saw the kid bring a Tupperware container with cereal mixed with milk for lunch. Yuck.

So I've been at the hospital with this kid maybe 8 times, been to the clinic non stop it seems, more then the parents have done.

I've taken the kid out for breakfast, lunch, & dinner & still do almost every day. To have the parents take the kid out would be a dream.

On it's last birthday, the parents didn't get the kid a gift. Well, their idea of a gift was to let it have a few friends over, & that's apparently more than enough.

I almost feel like I'm competing with it's parents, unintentionally!

Most of the kids clothes are things I have bought. Even the younger kid doesn't receive any sort of support. I had the younger kid help me pass out flyers even though it didn't even do so, just held them or dropped them all over the place! Though I still paid the young kid $10.00/hr, & even went out to buy the kid a gift for helping me.

I'm not RICH, & I do not spend ALL of my money on them, which makes it so confusing when I try to understand how the parents can't keep up.

Like, get the kid a tutor, ask if it wants to join a sports team, GIVE IT GOALS!!! Things to do!!!

I got the younger kid involved with a soccer team, & the kid has done really well ever sense! It even has a friend now.

Anyway, still need time to think & figure out what to do, maybe I should take some pictures & show you guys what I see.

Oh, I didn't even mention this;

The mother has her aunt come over to take care of the house, does the cooking & cleaning. Also pays the bills.

She stays for 6 months every year.

Interesting huh?

SuperiorPower
01-03-2010, 12:28 AM
Scott,

That is very sad indeed. It just reminds me that, though I did not have the best home life, God still blessed me and protected me from a life like that. That is a sad life to have to grow up in. I can never understand why I would want to have kids if I did not want to also care for them.

This kind of behavior from parents is despicable and completely unacceptable. I hope that if the day ever comes that I have children of my own that I fight for them and do my best to have their needs met. Not all their wants, but all their needs and some of their wants as I can.

I don't really know what to tell you to do since things are so completely different between here and there.

Hang in there,

Eli

The Cleaning Doctor
01-03-2010, 12:49 PM
Man I don't know what kind of advice to give you on something like this. If you can instill a desire within even one of those children to pull them selves up by their boot straps and get out of their situation through education and hard work then you can be proud.

Maybe offer to help the older one through a trade school or community college in return for them helping their sibling when they get work.

arthur712
01-03-2010, 02:58 PM
I will pray for you and the family,

I had been though that in my life, and I would be considered one of those kids!

We hope all turns out great like my life. I may not be rich, but I am happy.

It is very hard to give advise, But I would look to God for the answers.

Sorry to bring out religion, but that is what worked for me!

Thanks!
Artie

SuperiorPower
01-03-2010, 03:22 PM
I will pray for you and the family,

I had been though that in my life, and I would be considered one of those kids!

We hope all turns out great like my life. I may not be rich, but I am happy.

It is very hard to give advise, But I would look to God for the answers.

Sorry to bring out religion, but that is what worked for me!

Thanks!
Artie

Very true Artie. Christ is the only answer for any of us. We can try to better ourselves, but alone we can not eternally affect anything. Thanks for bringing that up!

CHEESE2009
01-04-2010, 02:31 AM
So I spoke with the parents of the kid (sorry I keep saying kid, it's iffy to use the actual name)

I had them agree to never talk about their financial situation or marriage problems in front of their children ever again. That it really affects the house in a negative way. And if it's spoken about, it's kinda hard not to drag people into an argument if they are supposed to share the same roof.

I was able to bring them together after a few hours of talking & tears, the night ended with me canceling 2 snow removal jobs, though I shoveled their driveway for free.

I was invited back later in the night to play video games with the entire family. Quite the experience, it was really nice to see the family have at least one thing they can do together & enjoy.

I just hope it lasts, we had an agreement that if the kid comes home from school & senses anger or any tension, that it is allowed to visit me until the family cools off.

I feel like I'm getting somewhere, I just need to be persistent. The peace could crack any moment, guaranteed.

I told the kid to tough it out a bit longer, school is almost over & whatever it decides to do, I will be there to support. I had a thought that leaving the family just like that would probably have some negative impact further down the road, nothing is ever perfect. If the kids grades stay up, I will be extremely proud.

I take a look at the school work all the time & do my best to help, though if a tutor is eventually required it will be available. Whatever it takes!

Man, it was nice to hear the parents own up & admit they were being ignorant. It's a big step forward.

Steve
01-04-2010, 11:20 AM
Scott,

I think you are doing a great job!